stixsandstones

in an attempt to never lose a male friend again, i will not be exasperating myself by telling them im without fail in love with them.
i will not.
i will not.
i will not.
wi iwll not.
wii will not.
i willt not.
wii tllwnot

so ive learned my lessons. for the year.
i know that dave and i were a joke, not a funny joke in the HAHA manner but a pathetic and sad joke.
ive come to learn that prioritizing has really got to be a repeated word in my vocabulary this year. i need to make my work and focus on myself, and not because i cant handle a relationship in any which way, but because more importantly those around me arent ready to have a relationship. im into dating a guy or girl the next time around. ive left all my doors open.
i want in to cooper union and bad.i might get in.i may not. if i dont though i swear ill burn the shithole down.

im looking for the love-of-my-life-kind-of-feeling in my sculptures paintings and drawings that im doing right now.i want to find perfection in that.

coming to fl in a week and a half, i guess well see what kind of trouble this trip stirs up.
you never know.

i want him here with me no matter what i say

i dont know why i still come and look at this journal and even am posting right now. it doesnt make sense because in all truthfulness life moves faster than we can type it. but no matter. he called my last nite in mexico and fucked with my head, but more importantly I LET HIM.why after six years have i let him, im not sure, and why have i let these events happen to me for six years. BUT no matter how i got here, lets talk about where im going. he fucked up again, as expected, i didnt want to expect it BUT i knew to watch myself. she called saying they were still dating and thats not what i had been told. in the end





i restored my last draft somehow, and this is what came up. im not there anymore, in that state of mind, no so much angry as i am hurt. i wrote him a letter telling him how sad he made me, but i have yet to send it. why send it, is what im asking myself, why bother with someone who wont bother with me.
im not sure.

schools good. hectic but so damn good. im making work that is supporting itself rather than me trying to support my work. thats what its all about anyways. creating visual representations of concepts that i dont have to talk about only represent. i like that, im tired of talking about my ideas, i just want to show them now.

love of my life, why.

i had been going fine, fine and well, for months without thought to him or his antics. at some point i was so focused on school and the work that it entailed that i even forgot about boys altogether. i lacked the strength to not want friends but i think im just a lonely person in general. lonely not in the literal sense but in the way in which i never fully see anyone or thing around me until its gone. so im eternally lonely without ever actually ever being alone. and then wham!he calls me. out of nowhere, out of my blue. to him im sure he thought nothing of it, called without reservation or thought to my feelings and heart. he hadnt called in a month, and after many attempts to phone him im left again, alone. what furthered my knowledge of how hurt i actually was, was watching reality bites, ethan hawke nearly shook me himself. he was him.in ever way. and by watching this character throughout the whole movie i was reminded of the love that never happened, the love that was hurtful, and even at times spiteful. winona got ethan in the end, and he straightened his life out and realized how temporary things in his life had been. he wanted longevity and he got it with her, but he had to grow up first. so i begin to think he needs to grow up, i mean we should all be lucky enough to get that courtesy.we grow in our own time and on our grounds. so that i felt was my solution. until i was on the subway and it came to me that he is nothing like ethan hawke.nothing in the sense that he's not a rebellious innovative thinker. rebellious yes. but insightful, creative poet he is not. i realized i could endure rebellion for however long it took but in the end i would be left with an idiot, not a lover. maybe im too whimsical or idealistic, but as a person, a women especially arent i granted some sort of immuninty to hope for something that just doesnt exist. i still am not sure where i stand in all of this muck and grime. my feelings have been twirled so much they just arent sure what ground they stand on anymore even after all of these years, and these trials and errors. all i know is that i kiss him and i want more.

its been a long time coming but im due.
college as of right now and its making me question everything.
id say that im still flighty as fuck, my mind leaves me every so often until i regain my thoughts and sometimes even ambition.
ive learned a lot here about what is and what isnt and sometimes its everything and
other times its not enough. i want to create, like everyone else, but i inhibited by being institutionalized still.
if i had more time on my hands the shit id produce would be uncanny.

jenns coming here next semester and i get to live with her and a few other friends so i think that
shell be able to keep me level headed. audrey too if she gets her ass into gear. my babies.

im a user now, completely and entirely. and thats alright too.

college is tougher than it seems.my college anyways.i have so much homework all the time.its what i like to do its just a lot for me to take at 18 when i want to go out and have fun.ill manage though.
i miss my mom and dad and little bitch peter. i wish they would move down here for me.
i love my girls still and i wish they were with me too.but i cant have everything,
im worried right now because im sick and i got my menangitis shot but what if i got a faulty shot and this turns out to be menangitis and its fatal.
FUCKK MEE.

im in the second week of classes now and theyre going well.i mean i cant draw or i dont enjoy it so maybe that makes the difference but i know that this first year sucks because i have to take a lot of CORE classes.things will get better.
ima fucking love fool .i mean IM the one writing the boy love lettters.am i a fag or what.but i wont stop.cant stop until i get this last and final thought from him.he better give it me too.thatll just confuse the shit out of me more.
my period is killing me and my face always seems to break out and then i feel as if my whole body swells into that giant blueberry like in willy wonka.
i miss my family and i miss my friends.it all kinda hurts because it was taken away at once. i mean couldnt they treat me like an addict or a baby and slowly ween me off of the booze or my mothers teet.(Sp?)
whaddddaaafuckkk

holy shit things went from bad to good and it must be said that the change is all due to the way i went about my attitude.i realized that its hard to start college and its not at all what i thought it would be like when i was a senior.i mean in the sense that i thought as soon as i got on campus things would be handed to me.if you want to meet other people you have to put yourself out there and feel like a dork.but florida is in a way looking up.i mean i have new friends here,my grandparents in lauderhill,some family here in sarasota,davie hernandez and i are getting along now,i mean it cant get much better.maybe i was always the problem.i mustve been.
i went to the beach the other day,it was fun to bike there and then on the way i found this kayaking and wind surfing place five minutes from where i live where i went today to get a job.i mean its still in the works but i have high hopes.
i got something in the mail from thriftpunkloser today and was reallly impressed.so much that i might get really crafty and in a way more of a good pen pal and send stuff back.i hae a zine on the way too from this other girl.
my orientation isnt going half bad and in a few weeks im going to see about joining this figure drawing club maybe even soccer club.

life is really an upper right now.
i dont have a boy around and im okay with that,i feel like im getting everything i want done and not thinking at all of a boy.
requiem for a dream is pretty good too.id really love that as a present at christmas time.

i cant stop loving him and i just cant explain why any more.
im not sure if its my complete hope in him and what he could become or just stupidity.
i do always think about the lack of communication and understanding between the both of us.sometimes i wonder if hes deep and so i ask myself if maybe in my subconcious i know he is or if i just hope so bad that hes deep that i fail to see his only ordinary.
this sounds crazy too but i always feel that when i see him,and i rarely do see him,that he looks at me and really takes me in and even asks me to help him get the hell out of here with just that one look.

my only hope is that he does love me as much as i feel i love him.this is five years now and i just wonder deep down when its all going to happen between us.i want it so bad.

STRESS BE GONE!!!BAMMMM!

i feel so out of place right now.maybe i shouldve looked at schools in boston or nyc.maybe i need a big re-do

work.
tv.
iced tea.
computer.
schmoozing with jenn.
fake bitches.
college preppin.
finding out i want someone to be something they dont want to be.
shopping.
kicking my cousins asss.
running.
learning a few lessons here or there.




things are still missing though.a great deal of things.i just wish there was someone who cared enough to want to help fill in the blanks.

im tired but im going to make myself go running in a bit.i like running to the beatles-obla di obla da.nolan keeps telling me how good harry potter at the imax theatre is.i want to go so bad id probably give me small toe to see it.he does say it doesnt have enough owls though so it probably cant be that great anyways.
i leave in exactly a month from today to go to college.SARAMOTHERFUCKERSOTA.I NEED TO GET OUT NOW.

im highly dissapointed in some of the friendships i thought i had here.i always feel like i try to give a hundred percent and i just get shit on in return,and as far as i know thats not fair at all.i mean where waas the currency system when it came to this.i just wish he would make it up to me.just a fucking lousy phone call and hey,how you doing?thats all.

see this is my problem i used to be a bitch who never let anyone use her as a doormat.so much so that girl power was my fucking middle name.and so i refine myself and ease up a bit and say to myself lets things happen,respect other people for who they are and dont try to change things you cant.but when i let it go people such as YADDA YADDA FILL IN THE SHITTY BLANK,dont even take the time to appreciate it.

ive never done anything more then care for that boy through good or bad.ive even been so caring that i didnt give a shit if he was with me or not,as long as he was happy and making something of his fucking self.but i guess with every great handout that someone gives YOU you take it and just use it til its dried up and neveer once think to make somethign of yourself with that chance that you were given,the opportunity that some of us never get.if i had half of the fucking chance you have right now i wouldnt blow it on drugs or shitty friends or ideas.id go to college.get ambitious.GET A FUCKIN RESPECTABLE JOB.and then say thank you to the people who put you there.the family that gave you a leg to stand on when your own family couldnt do it for you.and then when you were a good man and had realized that life isnt the way you fucking perceive it right now then you would go back to your family if they need help.how could you be so alone and not give a shit as to where your principles had defered or your heart had changed.if you ever read this i hope you know that every ounce of this is you and that you really should do something to change the path your on.its so hurtful to watch you do this to yourself for all these years and think that this is the time of your life and it cant get any better

IM SO STRESSED OUT.and its the kind of anxiety that i cant stop no matter how many deep breaths i take or number of times i tell myself to quit it.part of me wishes that itll all end when i get to college too,but if i know me,and i do, then itll just get worse for the first month im there and i have to adjust.i hate going new places at first,i always feel cold and clammy when im just meeting someone new or stepping into a situation that ive never been in.fuckign weird.anyways ive been college shopping so at least that gave me some instant gratification and got some of this stress off my back.speaking of im going to go right now....now.

im so fed up with south florida, i really just want to leave for college already.this past week has really been the week from hell and right now all i wish is that i had a car to drive away from it all.the reason why i dont relate with anyone my age is because theyre all either fucked up on their egos or fucked up on drugs and its not to say that i dont have a little bit of both of those in me.its just that i know when to mind my manners and ive been through so fucking much i just have to much on the table to lose. when i get to college i dont even want to party.i want to fucking work my ass off to be the best i can.i want to make impressive art not some fucking peice of shit that i did last mintue cause i was out drinking sucking some guys dick.


i want a real life in the fall.i want a man whos going to be there for me. iwant to get settled into an apartment in the spring.i want success and a real job.i want to grow up and never have to see any of these people again.

i finally dreamt of a boy,and i havent done that in a long time.usually its other things but last nite it was me and a boy and him telling me i was beautiful.

i think i thought in my head that i could act like a boy and have sex that could quite posibly not count for anything.i mean i didnt want to build this relationship bullshit in my head and then just get smacked in the face so i told myself that if sex is what i want then thats what ill get and not to expect anything more i just didnt imagine that i would feel this used and hurt for the millionth time.i just wish for once i learned my lesson the first time instead of making the same ridicuous mistake again and again.and seriously it wasnt that it wasnt good sex it just wasnt great sex because while my body was going through the motions my heart just wasnt feeling it.maybe he saw right through me and realized i didnt feel it and so made his descion based on that.maybe what im most upset over is the fact that i didnt get to call the shots and end it when i wanted too just like the time before that and the time before that.whatever it is im trying not to feel tainted.

day #1 of florida and ive already felt ridiculous and cried.thisisnt happening again today.no way no how